full of broken thoughts i cannot repair

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 03:27:44 GMT

some things never change.

Mon, 04 May 2009 20:15:13 GMT

i used to pray that things would get better. pray that maybe all this struggling i've been doing will be worth it somehow. pray that some of this burden would be taken off my shoulders.

now i just pray for it all to be taken off my shoulders. i can't take this life anymore. i want death. i don't like this life on earth. i'm never happy and i don't foresee happiness coming my way.

wow

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 03:48:58 GMT

Sarita mentioned livejournal the other day so I decided to see if I could remember my password. Sure enough, here it is. I don't really feel like posting an entry, I just thought it was weird that the last time I logged on was 2 years ago when my dad died. He died April 10, 2007. His death anniversaries are very hard for me.

Anyway, I have a headache. I can't believe no one else uses their livejournal anymore. People change.

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 01:43:26 GMT

http://www.stegengafuneralchapel.com/runtime.php?SiteId=-1221&NavigatorId=-83960&id=-36973&viewOpt=dpaneOnly&op=tribute.obituary

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 03:04:28 GMT

i am actually at a computer. i actually have time to update. but... i am too sore. i got in a HUGE altercation at work. must rest.

i hope everyone is well.

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 18:19:41 GMT

whoa! i haven't updated in forever and a day. this sucks. i really haven't been near the internet in a while since i randomly check my email from my phone now.

i'm at homewood library catching up on REPLYING to emails and looking up stuff for a paper. i can't believe i graduate in like 2 weeks. ahhhhhhh!

okay, gotsta go. i hope all is well with everyone.

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 00:03:44 GMT

i'm in the BEC computer lab trying to finish up some homework and the girl sitting next to me keeps looking over at my screen. She is sitting in here chatting online (in a chat room...who does that anymore?). Everytime there is a pause in her conversation, she leans over and starts reading my screen. I hope she is reading this now. YOU ARE ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF ME! I DON'T KNOW YOU! MIND YOUR BUSINESS!

geez...

promotion

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 14:22:50 GMT

okay, i've done the cash tracking, i've returned the recovered merchandise to the floor, i've cleaned the office, i've signed the opening log, i've filled out the missing merchandise reports, and i've unlocked the back door. what else is left?

so, i'm getting a promotion and a raise. but, i have to go to the galleria macy's. i'm really sad about it because i'm so used to everyone here. i'll miss everyone especially alesher, chris, kc, eric, and cle. :-( i can't imagine NOT working with alesher.

this week is my brothers' spring break. joseph is in mobile for the week and loren is leaving this friday for mobile. the house is so much quieter. i love it. i can't wait for my spring break. sure, i'll be working 40 hours and still taking my mom and brothers to work/school, but at least i won't have school.

dangit, i left my THE FRAY cd in the car. i'm too cold to get it. i looooove that cd. i've been listening to it non-stop for about a month, and i still haven't gotten sick of it.

i must get back to work. i think i'll watch the cleaning crew and see what they do today.

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 02:48:33 GMT

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
~The Fray "Over My Head"~

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

I laugh aloud so my friends won’t know
When the bell rings I just don’t wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don’t believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

I don’t wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday

I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
~Everclear "Wonderful"~

i am obsessed with the first song and i LOVE the lyrics to the second one. *sigh* this is how i'm feeling nowadays.

mardi gras 2006

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 00:06:55 GMT

man, i'm not feeling well. blech.

so, i went to mardi gras this weekend with my family. i rented a GMC Envoy to make the trip more comfortable. i intended to rent a full size vehicle but they upgraded it for free. it was fun driving it.

the trip itself was interesting. the drive there on friday was cool. i was pissed later that night but whatever. i should have expected nothing less. saturday it rained all day. i went to the mall with my family, angela, ireland, and charlie. then my fam and i visited some old family friends and trekked out to the rainy parades that night. parking was interesting; i'm glad i had the suv.

after the parade, julie, angela, charlie, and i went to eat at some mexican restaurant across the bay. then we went to the cell block. yeah, it wasn't my scene but julie and i had nice conversation while drunken men were yelling over the balcony for idiotic women to show their tits.

sunday my fam and i went to the joe cain parades. my brothers and my mom are hilarious. they go to great lengths to catch stuff. lol.

the weekend was supposed to be stress free but that never happens. joey is still alive and some friends will never get it. oh well.

and here i am at work. i'm so nauseous. i've been trying to watch the cameras but the spinning is making me feel worse. i'm trying so hard to keep my food down.

i start my last college course tomorrow. it's a really intense, two month cost accounting class with an extremely hard professor - i know, he's failed me before. i'm really nervous about it. i HAVE to pass. i HAVE to graduate.

okay, well i know it was a pointless entry but i have a headache. maybe i'll update more later.

5 min break...

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 05:33:53 GMT

i'm taking a little break from my criminal justice project. i feel like i've been working on it all day. i'm so lucky that i had today off. today was a pretty stress-free day. i got up as usual and took my brothers to school and my mom to work. then i came home and slept until noon. i ate lunch and watched the real world for an hour. then i started on and completed one CJ project that is due tomorrow. it only took me 2 hours.

i then took a shower, went to the dry cleaners, and went to macy's. i talked to a couple of friends and then worked on my second project with kc some. now i am at the bec trying to finish it.

sigh picked my brothers up from school today and he is letting them spend the night so that i can lower my blood pressure some. although i don't have to take them to school, i still have to take my mom to work in the morning. it's all good though.

valentines day was... just another valentines day. i was doing well until about 7pm when one of the dock guys asked me how my vday was going. yadayada he was in shock that i didn't have a valentine and asked questions about chris. ah shut up. then i went back into the office and almost started crying. i wasn't gonna let myself though. i wasn't feeling well as it was, but the fucking corporate holiday had to make it worse.

but at like 8:55pm Tien and Jacqui stopped by Macy's to say hi, and jacqui brought her wittle bitty bunny wabbit! that absolutely made my day. i love friends.

okay, that's a long enough break. back to finishing this project.

bp

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 04:06:30 GMT

today was not a good day (except for the fact that i ran into tien at walmart). i was stressed because my brother and my mom stayed home. i like having my off days to myself. so, i ran some errands. i was so dizzy and couldn't see straight. then i noticed that i was getting nauceous and lightheaded. so, i decided to go to the fire department to get my blood pressure checked.

180/90!

it's never been that high. the really hot fireman looked at me like i might as well have been laying in a casket. so, i drove straight to my doctor's office where they fit me in at like 4:45pm. now i am on two types of blood pressure medication.

i obviously can't handle this stress. my brothers and my mom are too much. in the beginning people were telling me to not worry about anything, once i got them here it'd be okay, that things would get better. well, it hasn't gotten any better. it gets worse with every passing day.

all they do is fight and scream and fight and scream. it's a never ending battle. i can't take this anymore. they will be the death of me. pencil my funeral in for sometime in the near future.

well, back to doing my homework. i took a nap during the day. i have to wait until they all go to bed for me to do my homework. it's the only time that i can concentrate.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 02:01:48 GMT

i hate being so busy. i have time for nothing. and now there is drama at work. it doesn't directly involve me, but there are too many snitches. nobody likes a snitch. anyway back to studying.

crazy McD dream...

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 02:18:55 GMT

macy's closes in an hour. i can't wait.

i've been such a recluse lately. i'm starting to hate my cell phone. talking to the outside world is stressful. i need to return calls though, i don't want people thinking i'm avoiding them. i also used to check my e-mail about 2-3 times a day. now i check it like 1-2 times a week. how pathetic. :-(

oh yeah, i couldn't help myself. i can't remember if i wrote about it before, but i bought season 5 of gilmore girls. after i finished season 4 i didn't know what to do with myself. well, i just finished season 5 last night. what a loser. i just need season one for my collection to be complete. if anyone wants to borrow them, just let me know. i don't mind.

i had a weird dream last night. well, i had a lot of them. the one i remember most clearly was soooo weird. alesha and i were going thru drive-thru at mcdonalds. i was driving and i ordered the chicken sandwich meal and alesha ordered the 10 pc chicken nugget meal. we got to the first window where you pay and the cashier handed me one chicken nugget that wasn't wrapped and said "here, they've been giving everyone 9 pieces tonight thinking they won't notice. i'm just trying to hook you up." i was disgusted but alesha told me to just forget it and drive to the next window. at the next window the worker handed me one medium fry that was cold and soggy and not in the bag. i was like WHAT THE HELL?! then they handed me a bag with a random burger and asked me to pull up because the rest was not ready. i went off. haha, alesha was scared. i pulled up all right!! i pulled up, got out, and stormed inside. i remember yelling at the manager about how the cashier handed me the nugget and how they handed out fries first when anyone that's ever worked at mcdonald's knows that fries go in the bag LAST! it felt so liberating. alesha had to run in and try to calm me down. i don't remember if the dream ended the way i wanted it to because it was storming really loudly.

lol, you know how sometimes you dream that the phone is ringing and it is actually ringing in real life? well, i wonder if the thunder and the lightening was actually in my dream when i was yelling and storming around. haha, get it... storming around?? *crickets* fine.

what else... oh yeah! i haven't gotten my test back from last week yet but i know i bombed it, hardcore! it sucked sooooo bad. i have a huge accounting test next week, too. i need to start studying for it. ehh, i HATE studying. this semester of classes SUCK! everything just SUCKS!

oh yeah, i went to tien's party last week. i had nothing to do that night and i'm so glad that i went. i had so much fun. it was great seeing people that i haven't seen in a while and actually hold more than a 5 minute conversation without my having to leave. it was so funny when the cops came and people bolted out the door. only the brave stuck around. tien has such cool friends.

anyway, i guess i should go back to watching the cameras. i've been so dizzy today. watching the cameras is NOT helping. ttyl.

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 02:45:16 GMT

i just flipped a guy off at work. when he later confronted me about it i told him to go away and i closed the door in his face.

wow, i've never been so rude to someone i know. i've been so stressed out lately. it's actually taking a toll on my attitude toward others.

i think my BP is going up. gotta tell the doc to give me a higher dosage.

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 17:40:15 GMT

my dreams are taking over my life. i'm so paranoid now... i'm trying to read into my dreams. it doesn't help much that i watched final destination 2 with my brother last night, either. if you don't know what i'm talking about, i've been having some premonition type dreams lately. it's not every night, but almost every dream that i remember vividly these past couple months have either happened or i prevented them happening. they are all horrible things. mostly accidents. i know i sound like a nut job right now, but it's all true.

anyway, i'm at work today. work has been nice. i've gotten three cases just this week. i believe there is a direct correlation between the number of cases i make and the presence/absence of a certain someone. lol, it's the only answer. anyway, there goes my crazy talk again.

my boss is giving me three days off this week. i'm so excited! i work today, tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. i'll finally be able to get some errands out of the way tomorrow.

my brother joseph has a huge project due tomorrow that i have to help him with when i get off of work. loren has a project due tomorrow that i am going to help him with today at work. and justin has a project due on tuesday that i will help him with on monday. i have a paper due thursday and test on thursday. .. another busy week, what joy!

i'm out for now, got to go unlock them doors. i'm so bored and kind of bummed. oh well, whatev.

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 03:03:14 GMT

wow, livejournal changed our link.

it's now:

screenname.livejournal.com

instead of livejournal.com/~screenname. pretty neat.

slow suicide

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 02:54:55 GMT

no time for a real update, macy's closes in 13 minutes! i'm so worn out. i can't wait until saturday - my first off day in forever!

today was a long day. woke up at 6. got ready. left to take brothers to school at 7:08. picked mom up to take to work at 7:35. went to my 8:00 class. got out a little early and went to the HUC for a relaxing breakfast and read some classwork. 11:00 class and 12:30 class. home for snack for 30 min. picked joseph up from school at 3:00. picked justin up from tutoring early at 3:35. went home to shower. picked loren up from baseball conditioning at 4:45. was 6 min late to work at 5:06.

and here i am. i am poooooooped!

the most enjoyable part of the day was the breakfast by myself at the HUC. in the 4 and something years that i've been at UAB, i've NEVER had breakfast there. it was amazing. i had french toast, sausage, grits, and OJ. kind of expensive, but wonderful. then i sat at an empty table reading and watching mtvU. just wonderful.

and tomorrow i have to take my bros to school/mom to work, go to my doc appt at 9:30, make a macy's/hob poster signup, and be at work at 1:30-9:30. i was originally scheduled for 11-7, but my boss switched with me. it's cool though, not like i have any plans.

dangit, joseph wants me to help him with his homework when i get home tonight. ahhhhh, i'm so tired!

ttyl!

i want chocolate!

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 02:05:01 GMT

it's so boring at work. i'm craving chocolate like crazy. i didn't have any dollar bills in my purse; all i have is a whole 'lotta pennies >_<. so, i got my macy's credit card and was on the hunt for the godiva chocolate bars that we sell at each register. like a crack junkie i walk to a few registers and can't find any. i'm freaking out. then an associate sees me and says that they took up all the chocolate when they were doing inventory! what the hell! ahhhhhhhhhh!

so now i'm back in the office all over the floor looking for spare change. i've found a bunch of freaking pennies and $.20 in dimes. this is some kind of sick joke. i am supposed to ignore my craving. i am not supposed to be eating chocolate anyway. *sigh* now i know how crackheads feel. :-(

...and to top it all off, all i have to eat back here is some doggone tuna. you can't eat tuna when you're craving chocolate!! ahhh!

anyway, it's so dead at work. only an hour left until we close. i can't wait. oh, and a new episode of the gilmore girls comes on tonight. it's recording at this very moment :-). i want to watch it tonight, but i have to be at work at 8am which means i have to get up at 545/6 to fight for the shower, get the boys out of the house by 7:05, pick my mom up at 7:35 for work, and be at work by 8. what freaking fun!

i'm tired as hell right now. i got about 2 hours of sleep last night. i couldn't sleep. i just laid there... in the dark... with eyes wide open... thinking and praying and thinking and crying and thinking.

okay, time to look for more change.

i wanna go back, wanna go back to those simple days

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 03:14:44 GMT

i'm at work and it's freezing! oh so cold! we don't close til 10 and there is no one here. what's new?

classes started on thursday. they seem difficult, except for one... but that's the way i planned it.

i'll be working 6 days next week. sucks, but we are in desperate need of money.

i've been laying in bed for 2 days only to get up to pee (i just eat whatever is lying around when i get to work). i'm just too depressed to get up. no phone, no people, no anything. i don't want to interact. i'm just so tired of it all.

i can tell that this semester is going to be the most depressing one yet. whenever i do anything i think to myself "wow this is the last time that i'll be doing ___ on ____ at UAB."

it's sad to think that i'll be graduating. i wish i would have graduated last year. last year was a good year. there were many high points and fun times, times that should be had for the last year of college. but no. now i'm stuck with a hectic, depressing, stressful, partyless, friendless, organizationless, uneventful, lonely year to remember as my last year of college.

i wish i had someone to share my experiences with. my senior year of high school was a BLAST! i loved it. i had angela and alesha and julie and kim m and brett and steph and rachelle and tammy and the soccer team and the mcdonalds crew and all my great friends. oh man, i loved it. i miss it. i really, really miss it. i wish i could go back.

*sigh* it's getting too cold to type in here. i guess i'll go back to the camera room now. i hope everyone's having a good time so far.

honest, this breaks my heart

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 14:56:59 GMT

i made a decision the other day and i told my brother about it so i guess it's official. there was this boy that i like. i'm giving up the pursuit, not that i was forcefully pursuing him. he seems like the perfect guy, but i just don't want to. i don't want to mess up our "friendship" or whatever the hell it is that we have. whatever. i'm through. *sigh*

work, gilmore girls, and classes. (my subject lines suck lately. i need to put more thought in 'em)

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 14:57:53 GMT

i. am. so. sleepy... i don't know how i'm going to make it til 3.

on sunday (new year's day), i worked from 7am-2pm, went home, ate lunch, took an hour nap, then worked from 8pm that night til 4am! i was sooo tired, but i was making time and a half all day. i came back later that night because they were buffing the wood or something and needed security to watch them. sure i watched them... hehe. i actually watched 9 episodes of the gilmore girls!

speaking of, my brothers got me seasons 2, 3, and 4 of the gilmore girls with their Christmas money!!! Costco had them for $25 each! we looked all over for season 1, but they were fresh out. i think i'm gonna just ride out to Best Buy for season 1 since they have them on sale right now for $25, too! oh i love it!

what else? oh yeah. i got into the class that i was soooooo worried about! it's an 8am TT class, but i hear it's really easy and it fits into my schedule perfectly! great, so now i'm taking 3 extremely hard classes and one easy one. i might take another easy class just for a gpa booster, but then i'll have 5 hours over what i need to graduate. such a dilemma.

oh yeah, i'm also really excited cause i already know at least one person in three of my classes. Chris is in my first aid class, KC is in my criminal justice class, and Brent is in my accounting class. i'm so nervous about this semester.

well, i have a hunger headache. my new year's resolution was: no more food! just kidding. i just haven't eaten since early yesterday and i didn't get much sleep. i'm gonna look for some food now. ttyl chickies!

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 13:59:25 GMT

it's freezing at macy*s. it's usually cold back here until the store opens. actually, it's pretty much always cold.

happy new year, everyone. right.

i was talking to angela last night and we were so bored and sounded so monotone. her mom and my mom both say that how you spend your new year's is how the rest of the year will be. i was like great, i'm alone and depressed. another fuckin awesome year. but then she pointed out that maybe we're not depressed right now. we're just content. hmm. interesting. was i depressed? i'm depressed all the time i just figured i was last night.

it wasn't that bad i guess. when my mom got off of work, we went to walmart to get some groceries. we came home and cooked collard greens, black eyed peas, cornbread, hamhock, and other amazingly asian dishes (hehe, lol). while waiting for the food to finish, my brothers, my mom, and i played rummikub and joked. i took an hour nap before midnight so that i could be up for midnight.

i guess i was just wishing that i could be out with my friends like a normal college student.

i got to talk to kimberly (from CO) on friday. i love talking to her. she is so uplifting and encouraging. i poured my heart out on the phone and all she could say was "trust in God." i love my friends. :-)

well, there's another 3 hours until macy*s opens so i'm going to find something to do. i might post a little more later.

Christmas 2005

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 01:33:24 GMT

hmm, i don't know how to start this entry.

my grandmother died on christmas day. my mother's mother that is. it kills me because when we found out, i was angry with my mother (because of joey *read previous entry*). i'm RARELY mad at my mom, and it usually doesn't last that long, but i've never been this mad at her before. i hate so much that i was mad at her. i tried to comfort her, but joey gave me evil looks.

i have never been so depressed in my life. i thought of the various ways of ending it, but all i could do was lay in bed and cry. it hurts to see my mom cry every 5 seconds.

as soon as celeste found out, she offered to come to bham. i didn't want her to go out of her way, but before i knew it, she was here. i am so glad she came. it was nice to have someone to talk to. someone so supportive and caring. i know i would drop everything if a friend needed me, but celeste showed it. thank you again.

i had a lot of fun and i'm glad we got to take my mom out to take her mind of off things some. i hate that my mom won't be able to go to the funeral. damn joey.

i don't know what else to say. i've had the worst Christmas ever. i hope everyone else's was better than mine.

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 21:33:22 GMT

today is Christmas Eve. i was so excited about Christmas this year. there were actually presents under the tree and everyone was happy. i was upset because i found out that joey was coming for new year's, but just so excited that it wasn't for Christmas. this would be the first Christmas that i would spend away from him. we all were so excited that he wouldn't ruin it.

once again, never ever get your hopes up.

joseph calls me at work yesterday and says "guess who is on his way up here right now."

what the FUCK.

i yelled and cried so hard on the phone at work. normally that is very embarrassing, but i didn't care.

my fucking mom knew. she fucking knew that he was fucking coming and she didn't fucking tell anyone until an hour before. how fucking selfish can you be?! she said she didn't tell me because she wanted to surprise me. yeah, SURPRISE!

i'm so fucking upset i can't even see straight. i can't stop crying and my head is fucking killing me. i was so happy yesterday and the week prior. i was looking forward to a Christmas without joey. why the fuck would he want to come up anyway? when was the last fucking time he ever bought a gift for my brothers? my sister, my nana, and i (or the local church) have always provided Christmas dinner and gifts. how dare he show is fucking face? what kind of fucking loser?!

i don't even want to go home, but i don't want to be at macy's right now either. spinning the cameras is making the nausea worse.

gah, i don't want him there when they open the gifts! i don't want my brothers to be like "look, dad." i don't want him to know. i don't want him to comment on the gifts, cause i know he will. i don't want him to tell my brothers to clean up the house or set up the table or make tea or lower their voices or get him a glass of tea or anything. i don't fucking want him here.

i fucking went through hell to get my fucking family away from him but now my fucking brainwashed mother can't say no. dammit, just stop picking up his fucking phone calls! grow a fucking spine and let him fucking go! if you want to be with that fucking crackhead, jobless, fucking loser so badly, go! just go! just don't let him ruin our lives anymore than he already has!!

i hurt.