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| Time: | 4:11 pm. |
| Mood: |  numb. |
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i used to pray that things would get better. pray that maybe all this struggling i've been doing will be worth it somehow. pray that some of this burden would be taken off my shoulders.
now i just pray for it all to be taken off my shoulders. i can't take this life anymore. i want death. i don't like this life on earth. i'm never happy and i don't foresee happiness coming my way.
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Sarita mentioned livejournal the other day so I decided to see if I could remember my password. Sure enough, here it is. I don't really feel like posting an entry, I just thought it was weird that the last time I logged on was 2 years ago when my dad died. He died April 10, 2007. His death anniversaries are very hard for me.
Anyway, I have a headache. I can't believe no one else uses their livejournal anymore. People change.
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| Time: | 10:03 pm. |
| Mood: |  sore. |
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i am actually at a computer. i actually have time to update. but... i am too sore. i got in a HUGE altercation at work. must rest.
i hope everyone is well.
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| Time: | 1:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  calm. |
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whoa! i haven't updated in forever and a day. this sucks. i really haven't been near the internet in a while since i randomly check my email from my phone now.
i'm at homewood library catching up on REPLYING to emails and looking up stuff for a paper. i can't believe i graduate in like 2 weeks. ahhhhhhh!
okay, gotsta go. i hope all is well with everyone.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 7:01 pm. |
| Mood: |  annoyed. |
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i'm in the BEC computer lab trying to finish up some homework and the girl sitting next to me keeps looking over at my screen. She is sitting in here chatting online (in a chat room...who does that anymore?). Everytime there is a pause in her conversation, she leans over and starts reading my screen. I hope she is reading this now. YOU ARE ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF ME! I DON'T KNOW YOU! MIND YOUR BUSINESS!
geez...
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Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
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okay, i've done the cash tracking, i've returned the recovered merchandise to the floor, i've cleaned the office, i've signed the opening log, i've filled out the missing merchandise reports, and i've unlocked the back door. what else is left?
so, i'm getting a promotion and a raise. but, i have to go to the galleria macy's. i'm really sad about it because i'm so used to everyone here. i'll miss everyone especially alesher, chris, kc, eric, and cle. :-( i can't imagine NOT working with alesher.
this week is my brothers' spring break. joseph is in mobile for the week and loren is leaving this friday for mobile. the house is so much quieter. i love it. i can't wait for my spring break. sure, i'll be working 40 hours and still taking my mom and brothers to work/school, but at least i won't have school.
dangit, i left my THE FRAY cd in the car. i'm too cold to get it. i looooove that cd. i've been listening to it non-stop for about a month, and i still haven't gotten sick of it.
i must get back to work. i think i'll watch the cleaning crew and see what they do today.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 8:41 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | the fray on purevolume. |
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And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
~The Fray "Over My Head"~
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
I laugh aloud so my friends won’t know
When the bell rings I just don’t wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don’t believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
I don’t wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
~Everclear "Wonderful"~
i am obsessed with the first song and i LOVE the lyrics to the second one. *sigh* this is how i'm feeling nowadays.
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Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
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man, i'm not feeling well. blech.
so, i went to mardi gras this weekend with my family. i rented a GMC Envoy to make the trip more comfortable. i intended to rent a full size vehicle but they upgraded it for free. it was fun driving it.
the trip itself was interesting. the drive there on friday was cool. i was pissed later that night but whatever. i should have expected nothing less. saturday it rained all day. i went to the mall with my family, angela, ireland, and charlie. then my fam and i visited some old family friends and trekked out to the rainy parades that night. parking was interesting; i'm glad i had the suv.
after the parade, julie, angela, charlie, and i went to eat at some mexican restaurant across the bay. then we went to the cell block. yeah, it wasn't my scene but julie and i had nice conversation while drunken men were yelling over the balcony for idiotic women to show their tits.
sunday my fam and i went to the joe cain parades. my brothers and my mom are hilarious. they go to great lengths to catch stuff. lol.
the weekend was supposed to be stress free but that never happens. joey is still alive and some friends will never get it. oh well.
and here i am at work. i'm so nauseous. i've been trying to watch the cameras but the spinning is making me feel worse. i'm trying so hard to keep my food down.
i start my last college course tomorrow. it's a really intense, two month cost accounting class with an extremely hard professor - i know, he's failed me before. i'm really nervous about it. i HAVE to pass. i HAVE to graduate.
okay, well i know it was a pointless entry but i have a headache. maybe i'll update more later.
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Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
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i'm taking a little break from my criminal justice project. i feel like i've been working on it all day. i'm so lucky that i had today off. today was a pretty stress-free day. i got up as usual and took my brothers to school and my mom to work. then i came home and slept until noon. i ate lunch and watched the real world for an hour. then i started on and completed one CJ project that is due tomorrow. it only took me 2 hours.
i then took a shower, went to the dry cleaners, and went to macy's. i talked to a couple of friends and then worked on my second project with kc some. now i am at the bec trying to finish it.
sigh picked my brothers up from school today and he is letting them spend the night so that i can lower my blood pressure some. although i don't have to take them to school, i still have to take my mom to work in the morning. it's all good though.
valentines day was... just another valentines day. i was doing well until about 7pm when one of the dock guys asked me how my vday was going. yadayada he was in shock that i didn't have a valentine and asked questions about chris. ah shut up. then i went back into the office and almost started crying. i wasn't gonna let myself though. i wasn't feeling well as it was, but the fucking corporate holiday had to make it worse.
but at like 8:55pm Tien and Jacqui stopped by Macy's to say hi, and jacqui brought her wittle bitty bunny wabbit! that absolutely made my day. i love friends.
okay, that's a long enough break. back to finishing this project.
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Monday, February 13th, 2006
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today was not a good day (except for the fact that i ran into tien at walmart). i was stressed because my brother and my mom stayed home. i like having my off days to myself. so, i ran some errands. i was so dizzy and couldn't see straight. then i noticed that i was getting nauceous and lightheaded. so, i decided to go to the fire department to get my blood pressure checked.
180/90!
it's never been that high. the really hot fireman looked at me like i might as well have been laying in a casket. so, i drove straight to my doctor's office where they fit me in at like 4:45pm. now i am on two types of blood pressure medication.
i obviously can't handle this stress. my brothers and my mom are too much. in the beginning people were telling me to not worry about anything, once i got them here it'd be okay, that things would get better. well, it hasn't gotten any better. it gets worse with every passing day.
all they do is fight and scream and fight and scream. it's a never ending battle. i can't take this anymore. they will be the death of me. pencil my funeral in for sometime in the near future.
well, back to doing my homework. i took a nap during the day. i have to wait until they all go to bed for me to do my homework. it's the only time that i can concentrate.
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Sunday, February 12th, 2006
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i hate being so busy. i have time for nothing. and now there is drama at work. it doesn't directly involve me, but there are too many snitches. nobody likes a snitch. anyway back to studying.
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Monday, January 30th, 2006
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macy's closes in an hour. i can't wait.
i've been such a recluse lately. i'm starting to hate my cell phone. talking to the outside world is stressful. i need to return calls though, i don't want people thinking i'm avoiding them. i also used to check my e-mail about 2-3 times a day. now i check it like 1-2 times a week. how pathetic. :-(
oh yeah, i couldn't help myself. i can't remember if i wrote about it before, but i bought season 5 of gilmore girls. after i finished season 4 i didn't know what to do with myself. well, i just finished season 5 last night. what a loser. i just need season one for my collection to be complete. if anyone wants to borrow them, just let me know. i don't mind.
i had a weird dream last night. well, i had a lot of them. the one i remember most clearly was soooo weird. alesha and i were going thru drive-thru at mcdonalds. i was driving and i ordered the chicken sandwich meal and alesha ordered the 10 pc chicken nugget meal. we got to the first window where you pay and the cashier handed me one chicken nugget that wasn't wrapped and said "here, they've been giving everyone 9 pieces tonight thinking they won't notice. i'm just trying to hook you up." i was disgusted but alesha told me to just forget it and drive to the next window. at the next window the worker handed me one medium fry that was cold and soggy and not in the bag. i was like WHAT THE HELL?! then they handed me a bag with a random burger and asked me to pull up because the rest was not ready. i went off. haha, alesha was scared. i pulled up all right!! i pulled up, got out, and stormed inside. i remember yelling at the manager about how the cashier handed me the nugget and how they handed out fries first when anyone that's ever worked at mcdonald's knows that fries go in the bag LAST! it felt so liberating. alesha had to run in and try to calm me down. i don't remember if the dream ended the way i wanted it to because it was storming really loudly.
lol, you know how sometimes you dream that the phone is ringing and it is actually ringing in real life? well, i wonder if the thunder and the lightening was actually in my dream when i was yelling and storming around. haha, get it... storming around?? *crickets* fine.
what else... oh yeah! i haven't gotten my test back from last week yet but i know i bombed it, hardcore! it sucked sooooo bad. i have a huge accounting test next week, too. i need to start studying for it. ehh, i HATE studying. this semester of classes SUCK! everything just SUCKS!
oh yeah, i went to tien's party last week. i had nothing to do that night and i'm so glad that i went. i had so much fun. it was great seeing people that i haven't seen in a while and actually hold more than a 5 minute conversation without my having to leave. it was so funny when the cops came and people bolted out the door. only the brave stuck around. tien has such cool friends.
anyway, i guess i should go back to watching the cameras. i've been so dizzy today. watching the cameras is NOT helping. ttyl.
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Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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| Time: | 8:43 pm. |
| Mood: | bitchy. |
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i just flipped a guy off at work. when he later confronted me about it i told him to go away and i closed the door in his face.
wow, i've never been so rude to someone i know. i've been so stressed out lately. it's actually taking a toll on my attitude toward others.
i think my BP is going up. gotta tell the doc to give me a higher dosage.
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Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
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| Time: | 11:28 am. |
| Mood: |  blank. | | Music: | feeling left out "last three years". |
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my dreams are taking over my life. i'm so paranoid now... i'm trying to read into my dreams. it doesn't help much that i watched final destination 2 with my brother last night, either. if you don't know what i'm talking about, i've been having some premonition type dreams lately. it's not every night, but almost every dream that i remember vividly these past couple months have either happened or i prevented them happening. they are all horrible things. mostly accidents. i know i sound like a nut job right now, but it's all true.
anyway, i'm at work today. work has been nice. i've gotten three cases just this week. i believe there is a direct correlation between the number of cases i make and the presence/absence of a certain someone. lol, it's the only answer. anyway, there goes my crazy talk again.
my boss is giving me three days off this week. i'm so excited! i work today, tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. i'll finally be able to get some errands out of the way tomorrow.
my brother joseph has a huge project due tomorrow that i have to help him with when i get off of work. loren has a project due tomorrow that i am going to help him with today at work. and justin has a project due on tuesday that i will help him with on monday. i have a paper due thursday and test on thursday. .. another busy week, what joy!
i'm out for now, got to go unlock them doors. i'm so bored and kind of bummed. oh well, whatev.
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Thursday, January 19th, 2006
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| Time: | 9:02 pm. |
| Mood: |  amused. |
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wow, livejournal changed our link.
it's now:
screenname.livejournal.com
instead of livejournal.com/~screenname. pretty neat.
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Thursday, January 12th, 2006
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no time for a real update, macy's closes in 13 minutes! i'm so worn out. i can't wait until saturday - my first off day in forever!
today was a long day. woke up at 6. got ready. left to take brothers to school at 7:08. picked mom up to take to work at 7:35. went to my 8:00 class. got out a little early and went to the HUC for a relaxing breakfast and read some classwork. 11:00 class and 12:30 class. home for snack for 30 min. picked joseph up from school at 3:00. picked justin up from tutoring early at 3:35. went home to shower. picked loren up from baseball conditioning at 4:45. was 6 min late to work at 5:06.
and here i am. i am poooooooped!
the most enjoyable part of the day was the breakfast by myself at the HUC. in the 4 and something years that i've been at UAB, i've NEVER had breakfast there. it was amazing. i had french toast, sausage, grits, and OJ. kind of expensive, but wonderful. then i sat at an empty table reading and watching mtvU. just wonderful.
and tomorrow i have to take my bros to school/mom to work, go to my doc appt at 9:30, make a macy's/hob poster signup, and be at work at 1:30-9:30. i was originally scheduled for 11-7, but my boss switched with me. it's cool though, not like i have any plans.
dangit, joseph wants me to help him with his homework when i get home tonight. ahhhhh, i'm so tired!
ttyl!
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Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
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it's so boring at work. i'm craving chocolate like crazy. i didn't have any dollar bills in my purse; all i have is a whole 'lotta pennies >_<. so, i got my macy's credit card and was on the hunt for the godiva chocolate bars that we sell at each register. like a crack junkie i walk to a few registers and can't find any. i'm freaking out. then an associate sees me and says that they took up all the chocolate when they were doing inventory! what the hell! ahhhhhhhhhh!
so now i'm back in the office all over the floor looking for spare change. i've found a bunch of freaking pennies and $.20 in dimes. this is some kind of sick joke. i am supposed to ignore my craving. i am not supposed to be eating chocolate anyway. *sigh* now i know how crackheads feel. :-(
...and to top it all off, all i have to eat back here is some doggone tuna. you can't eat tuna when you're craving chocolate!! ahhh!
anyway, it's so dead at work. only an hour left until we close. i can't wait. oh, and a new episode of the gilmore girls comes on tonight. it's recording at this very moment :-). i want to watch it tonight, but i have to be at work at 8am which means i have to get up at 545/6 to fight for the shower, get the boys out of the house by 7:05, pick my mom up at 7:35 for work, and be at work by 8. what freaking fun!
i'm tired as hell right now. i got about 2 hours of sleep last night. i couldn't sleep. i just laid there... in the dark... with eyes wide open... thinking and praying and thinking and crying and thinking.
okay, time to look for more change.
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Saturday, January 7th, 2006
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i'm at work and it's freezing! oh so cold! we don't close til 10 and there is no one here. what's new?
classes started on thursday. they seem difficult, except for one... but that's the way i planned it.
i'll be working 6 days next week. sucks, but we are in desperate need of money.
i've been laying in bed for 2 days only to get up to pee (i just eat whatever is lying around when i get to work). i'm just too depressed to get up. no phone, no people, no anything. i don't want to interact. i'm just so tired of it all.
i can tell that this semester is going to be the most depressing one yet. whenever i do anything i think to myself "wow this is the last time that i'll be doing ___ on ____ at UAB."
it's sad to think that i'll be graduating. i wish i would have graduated last year. last year was a good year. there were many high points and fun times, times that should be had for the last year of college. but no. now i'm stuck with a hectic, depressing, stressful, partyless, friendless, organizationless, uneventful, lonely year to remember as my last year of college.
i wish i had someone to share my experiences with. my senior year of high school was a BLAST! i loved it. i had angela and alesha and julie and kim m and brett and steph and rachelle and tammy and the soccer team and the mcdonalds crew and all my great friends. oh man, i loved it. i miss it. i really, really miss it. i wish i could go back.
*sigh* it's getting too cold to type in here. i guess i'll go back to the camera room now. i hope everyone's having a good time so far.
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Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
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i made a decision the other day and i told my brother about it so i guess it's official. there was this boy that i like. i'm giving up the pursuit, not that i was forcefully pursuing him. he seems like the perfect guy, but i just don't want to. i don't want to mess up our "friendship" or whatever the hell it is that we have. whatever. i'm through. *sigh*
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
drunkenambie's journal
nostalgic.
blah.
sick.
stressed.
crazy.
exhausted.